Clearblue was quite clear…

Didn’t expect that on my first try! Since the fertility clinic told me I would be throwing money out the window by trying… It seems like I’m pregnant!!! šŸ™‚

I’m in shock, even if this was planned… I just didn’t expect it. Everyone told me to look for other options.

I think my girlfriend is as shocked as I. She’s been very clear that she doesn’t want children. And the plan all along has been for her to move to go to school in about 6 months. Obviously we can’t be together if I’m expecting a baby (or babies… OMG). So this is going to be a change in so many ways. But I want this, so there’s no turning back. It’s just that we’re really good together. So while I’m really happy about the pregnancy – I’m sad that the relationship is ending. I knew this was going to happen, but it’s still sad.

I’m going to the doctor later today, to confirm the news. All of a sudden I have a feeling that the next 9 months are going to pass really quickly (if I’m lucky that everything goes as planned). This qualifies for extra grown up points…

I wish I had taken the opportunity to go to Los Angeles or New York and partied one last time before doing this… šŸ˜‰


Pregnancy test in 2 days!!

The last couple of months have passed by really quickly. As you know, the fertility clinic in Denmark left me with only a small hope of getting pregnant. So I kind of knew that I might be throwing money out the window – but as you know I wanted to give it a chance. So I did.

During my last period I was told to start taking some hormones called Gonal F. Full dose, 450 IE. One shot every night. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. And my mood didn’t change, even thought I was told I was going to act crazy for a couple of weeks. My body reacted well to the medication – so I was called back and they retrieved some eggs and fertilized 4. Two embryos were put back in – while another one is in the freezer in the laboratory in Denmark. A really great catch (I was told), with my low AMH.

This was two weeks ago. I have to admit that it’s been two really long weeks. I’ve been waiting and waiting, and tried to focus on work and school – but the outcome of this seems so much more important. Tuesday is the big day. I have the pregnancy test ready, and I can’t wait. It’s exciting and scary at the same time. It’s my first time with ivf. It’s actually the first time ever that my body is in contact with sperm, so it would be weird if it happend on the first try. The doctors gave me a 30-40 % chance, which isn’t that bad I guess…

I have to admit that I’m a little bit scared that I’m pregnant with twins… I would love it if I was pregnang, but as a single mother I believe that one is a lot easier than two – at the same time. But I guess I don’t have to worry about that before I actually know that I’m pregnant šŸ™‚ If I’m not pregnant I will only allow them to put in ONE embryo next time…

But YAY, I’ve started the process – and I’m “incubating” at the moment. Who would have thought after all the negative feedback from the fertility clinic?! šŸ™‚

Wish me luck šŸ™‚

Looking at sperm donors… Again.

I’m spending the evening trying to find a donor. I’ve been looking for a donor for months. The clinic told me that it was just a donor, and that I shouldn’t give it so much thought. “Just a donor”. Maybe. It doesn’t feel that way though.

I envy how straight people get to have children with the person they love. How the children will be a mix of their genes, and have features from both of them. How they can say “He got that nose from me”, or “she’s good at sports – just like her mom”. I think that’s why I think it’s important that the donor looks like me. I want to avoid any unnecessary questions for the kid, like “Who did you get your beautiful brown eyes from?” or “Your mom doesn’t have those cute dimples”. I know it’s silly. And I really wouldn’t care whether my baby had brown hair or blonde, or brown eyes or blue, or were extrovert or introvert. What matters is that I get a healthy baby. But if I’m lucky to get a baby, I want us to look a little bit alike – since I’m the only parent he/she will know. More for the child than me – since it might lead to less questions. I don’t think that’s so weird. Is it?

The clinic thought it was a good alternative to have an anonymous donor – because the donor would never be a father for the child. I know that. And I wouldn’t want that. But by chosing an anonymous donor I would take away any opportunity the child has to meet the donor one day. It might not be important for the child to meet the donor. But what if it wil be? I wouldn’t blame a kid for being curious. But I would blame myself if I chose an anonymous donor and my kid ended up with some sort of identity crisis that could have been avoided.

And how important is profession when choosing a donor? Do my job define me in any way? I don’t think so. I work in an office. If I got to do it all over again I would do something totally different. Be a journalist and be out in the field. Or be a lawyer. Or maybe build houses. Who knows. I think it’s pretty random what you end up doing for a living – in most cases any way.

Height and weight. Normal values I guess. I need to find out what normal values for a man is… (I’m such a lesbian. I do have male friends, I just never ask them how much they weigh…

I think the interview part is quite interesting. But weird. You get to listen to the donor being interviewed for about 15 minutes. And then you realize that they are 20 years old, and it just feels really inappropriate. An interview can reveal things they won’t be able to put into any of the forms they fill out. Like if they have a good sense of humour. Or if they seem burdened or not. I would want a girlfriend to be funny and social, so I guess I should look for the same in a donor.

I did find the perfect donor a while back. I’ve thought about the donor for a while – read his file over and over again. I decided he was the one. And now his sperm is sold out. (I never thought that would be a sentence I would say out loud…) So this time I need to buy me some sperm as soon as I find a good match. And I need to do it soon if I want to start the first attempt in August.

At least I know how I will spend my evenings this week.

I can say goodbye to my savings account…

I didn’t know what to expect when I entered the doors of the fertility clinic. But there they were. All the hopeful women from all over the world. During the short period I was in the reception area I heard people talk in English, Scandinavian, FrenchĀ and German. Some of the women were looking in photo albums with pictures of babies that had beenĀ conceivedĀ with the help of this clinic. The pictures had been sent to the clinic with a little note from proud parents. The women were smiling, and you could see what they were thinking. I had the same thought. “I hope I get to send a contributionĀ to these photo albums one day…”

When I finally arrived in Copenhagen the weather was sunny, and I was thinking that this wouldn’t be such a bad place to hang out once in a while going forward. The Danish people seem to be very relaxed. People weren’t stressing around. They were just hanging around in the sun, and quite many of them had a cold beer in their hand. Great atmosphere.

The people at the clinic kept repeating that my chances were low, but they were willing to let me try. My values are now within the normal range, but low. You feel grateful when they are willing to give it a go. But IVF is quite expensive. They must earn a lot of money on people who desperately want children. And I guess we’re willing to pay, since nobody else are giving us this chance.

I can start the attempts in August if I want. I just have to get the result of some final blood tests. I so badly want a baby. I just wish I could do it by insemination instead.

The one thing that I don’t like about this, is that I will have to inject myself with various medication to stimulate myĀ eggs. I will have to set daily injections from when I start my period till ovulation. I’m not a big fan of needles. Especially when I have to set them myself. And make sure that the needle goes all the way in. (I’m not a big fan of adding lots of hormones to my body either…) And I can’t afford to make mistakes. The medication cost 1760 GBP (2750 USD) per cycle!! That’s crazy expensive!! And there’s a big chance that they won’t be able to stimulate the eggs enough to get out eggs for fertilization, so then I will have to wait until next cycle. And pay the same amount for a new round of medication. I will have to pay the clinic in addition to this. And that’s not cheap either. But at least I’m trying. I will never regret not doing anything…

Except maybe waste all my savings if I don’t get pregnant…

Who’s your favorite character on OITNB?? (Spoilers…!!!)

So let’s discuss some of the characters. Don’t read this if you haven’t watched all of season 3. Spoilers ahead. I’m sorry, but I need to start talking about this. First of all, this show now has way too many characters, so I’ll start to discuss those I feelĀ they can leave in the backgroundĀ for season 4:

Soso (Brook): I thought this girl was suppose to stay for a short while. It’s not that I don’t like her character, it’s just that I want to see more of the “main” characters.
Leanne and Angie: Background girls from the laundry. Do we really need to hear their story? I know I don’t. Someone need to be in the background.
– Norma: This is a good actor. But it was just way too much Norma in this season. I started to play Candy Crush during OITNB. I never ever thought that would happen! I’m usually so focused on the TV – scared to miss something..
– Bennett: I did not need his background story. We’ve heard it before. Booooring…. And all of a sudden he vanished from the show? What was that about? I at least expected him to show up for the birth of his child. Did he get a better movie offer half way through??
– Way too many stories about the guards….
– …. and about the new owners of the prison…

And now to the ones that I love, and want to see more of:

Piper: She’s turned psycho in this season. We’ve seen her change over the last couple of seasons – but she’s gone crazy now. She got Alex back in prison, so that made me happy. ButĀ I don’t think I like this version of Piper. Her sex scenes with Alex are still hot. I’ll be disappointed if they don’t end up together… Some people just belong together. At least I like to think so. I expected that she would keep her main role, but it seems like her story is told… She’s a good actress, and she has a good story – why not spend more time on it?? I want more moments like the drama class scene…Ā They have such good chemistry!
Alex: I’m glad she’s back in all episodes. OITNB is not the same without her. All this lady needs to do is talk – and I’m lost. She’s so sexy.. I have bedbugs to thank for some sweet scenes. And who knew that she would look that good in a trash bag?! I was a bit worried in the start of the season, since there was a lot of crying. That’s a new side of her. But I still heart her – and I see why I’m not alone…. How will she handle that last episode? I need her in season 4. They wouldn’t continue without her, and disappoint all the lesbians. Would they? Maybe Piper can save her – I didn’t see her at the lake. But again she was too busy being a psycho.
– Pennsatucky: I never thought I would say this, but I’m starting to like her. It was nice to finally getĀ her background story. Her role has become bigger, and I’m quite happy with that. I also like how sheĀ and Big Boo connect in this season.
–Ā Red:Ā We get to see a new Red in this season. This woman is fantastic. And I like her new story with Healy. I’m still not sure where that’s going to go – but I can’t wait to see.
– Nicky: One of the best characters. We need Nicky. So why do they send her away after only a few episodes? I expected her to come back. Morello and Red missed her for about one episode – and than everyone seem to forget all about her. Will she be back? Do you come back from MAX? This was another weird thing. She probably had other projects going on. But still.
– Crazy Eyes: We get to see plenty of Crazy Eyes this time. Amazing actress, and I’m glad they decided to keep her in the show. And she seems to find love. With another weirdo. I can see some sweet and funny stories happening in season 4.
– Poussey: Her girlfriend in real life is one of the writers. You can tell. She has a bigger part, haha. But it’s well deserved. I’m a big fan of her character in the show. I keep wanting to hug her.
– Morello: Love, love, love. She needs Nicky more than me. So why go and get married…?

And I need to mention Stella. My girlfriend has a crush on Ruby Rose. She showed me some pictures before the season started, and I agree that she’s beautiful. I was a bit surprised that she wasn’t as tough as her tattoos suggested. I was thinking that Alex would get some competition before I saw her in the show. But I don’t think that will be the case. She seems so young. And unexperienced. I don’t know. She didn’t do it for me. But I’m curious if she’ll be back for the next season… I haven’t seen my girlfriend this excited for a while, haha.

I’m going to end it there. I’ve said it before. There are just way too many characters. I don’t need to follow every girl in the kitchen and every girl in the laundry and every guard.
I’m a simple girl. Give me more of Alex and Piper – and I’m happy.

I didn’t understand how they could place OITNB in the category “Comedy” after the second season. But this season was lighter, andĀ it does make you laugh. Some of the comments in this show is priceless! The writers have done a great job. Except for the fact that they believe that they need to share screen time equally among all the actors.

So many cliffhangers this time.

The two busses in the end made me stressed. I pictured a 100 new background stories that I don’tĀ need…

Anybody seen season 3 yet??

I’m dying to talk to someone about Orange is the new black. I was so excited to see the third season – so I watched it all this weekend. I thought everybody did. Apparently I have friends that “saves” the episodes. They don’t want to see the whole season at once. They want something to look forward to… They don’t even watch one episode a day.

Me being a huge Alex fan don’t understand that kind of behavior. If I want to see more OITNB,Ā I’ll just watch it once more. I prefer that, instead of reading spoilers everywhere….Ā And I can fast forward pastĀ things I don’t want to see. And season 3 did have some boring parts. I don’t see how that’s possible when they haveĀ so many good actors to chose from. I don’t understand why they wouldn’t give more screen time to all the characters we know and love, instead of giving us background stories to characters we’ve hardly seen beforeĀ – and don’t really care about… At least I don’t. And I’m not saying this because I want the whole show to be about Piper and Alex…. šŸ˜‰ The show has so many good actors, but I feel like we spend so little time with each of them.

Have you watched the 3rd season yet? Let me know what you think! I’m dying to discuss….

June = Gay Pride

June is the month of Pride. June was chosen to commemorate the Stonewall riots which took place end of June 1969.

I’ve already been to one Pride this year, and I have another one coming up in two weeks. For me, Pride is mostly about meeting up with old friends. Friends that I never meet outside the gay scene. And friends that I don’t meet as often because they are in a very commited relationship (you know the drill) or they have kids. But they all come out for Pride.

Last weekend I even went to a political debate. I don’t usually attend those anymore. I know it’s important, and I know that we still have a way to go until we’re all equal. So I felt bad sitting there, and being told about struggles gay people in other countries have. I’ve fought for gay rights since I was 16. After passing 30 I stopped going out in gay bars as much, and I kind of pulled back a little. I didn’t want everything to be about me being gay. So I focused more on my own things, and left the younger ones to fight for gay rights. But looking back at what happened to the parade in Ukraine in the beginning of June – I feel like I should participate more and continue fighting. It was suppose to be the first gay parade ever in Ukraine. Instead they got attacked and had to cancel only 30 minutes before it was suppose to start. So I guess we still have a long way to go – even in Europe…

Apart from meeting up with old friends, I believe that the gay parade is the best thing about Pride. I love how everyone walks proudly with their rainbow flag or any other flag that defines minorities within the gay community. And the best thing about the parade, which always brings tears to my eyes, is when PFLAG walks by. By that I mean Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. I love how they make their own posters, and walk holding their head up high – while smiling and showing how proud they are. We all know the struggle of telling our own parents, and we all know that some kids struggle more than others to be accepted for who they are. I guess it’s something we should be able to take for granted, but unfortunately that’s not the case for everyone. I’ve been around long enough to have heard some awful stories. Those parents in the parade always make me shed some tears. They did last weekend, and they will in two weeks. I love what they are doing, and I’m so thankful. And I have a great relationship with my familly, so I can’t imagine what an impact it has on those who haven’t been accepted by their family…

Happy Pride month everyone šŸ™‚